


Tree Tattoos

by sleepysweaters



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Cussing, Cutting, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Romantic Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Suicide Attempt, Trans Evan Hansen, Trans Male Character, transgender evan hansen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 06:01:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11434641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepysweaters/pseuds/sleepysweaters
Summary: Whenever you turn 16, whatever happens to your body happens to your soulmate's body.  Connor Murphy's soulmate loves trees and flowers, but is also suicidal and anxious.  He writes reminders about how they should take their medications, and that today was going to be a good day.He's paired up with Evan Hansen, the boy who he tried to get away from after signing his cast, in Biology 2.  He offers to hang out after school, and Evan accepts.The sad thing is that everything flips there.





	Tree Tattoos

**Author's Note:**

> I know that the characters are ooc.  
> Here's the thing though, Evan is obviously suicidal and would also do things that everyone says Connor does. They're both depressed, and you can't tell me that one is more depressed than the other.  
> Okay, sorry for that little rant.

Fifteen tattoos were littered all over Connor’s body. They were small, and he had been getting them since he was 16, and his mother wrote out a thing saying he had parent’s permission to get tattoos. Cynthia only did that because all the drawings were soulmate markings.

Whenever your soulmate drew on themselves, it appeared on the other’s skin as well. Connor’s soulmate was obsessed with trees and books, so that’s what littered his body.

Cynthia had tiny tattoos of candy canes and Christmas trees. Her first husband had died, and that’s where she had received all of those. Even though people thought that you only had one shot with soulmates, that wasn’t true. There were options of soulmates that the universe granted people.

Connor didn’t like the idea of soulmates, because he didn’t love himself and how could anyone love him? All he knew was his soulmate drew beautiful trees with colorful pens, and sometimes would draw rainy clouds.

There would be times when the only thing on his body was a reminder to stay strong that he soulmate wrote on his wrists every day. Connor knew that it was for him, so he got it tattooed on him. His soulmate would write over it in different colors, even though he had it to.

Anything that you did to your body was reciprocated to your soulmate’s body. The only catch to all of this was that it all started when you turned 16. So that was his birthday present whenever the first drawing showed up.

It was a cute array of hearts with the bisexual, gay, asexual, lesbian, and transgender flags. There was a note telling Connor that his soulmate would love him no matter what. So Connor got the gay flag, and that was how he came out to his family.

The second one was of an oak tree, it took up the entirety of his left bicep, but it was beautiful. It took his soulmate three days to draw it, so Connor got it tattooed. That was the only big tattoo that he had. The others were just small doodles that he found neat.

Sometimes Connor drew doodles corresponding with his soulmates, only to get back little messages telling him to draw more. Connor ignored the comments, but would sometimes wake up to little cuts on his thighs. They didn’t hurt, but it broke his heart that his soulmate was doing this to themselves.

“Please stop cutting,” Connor wrote over the cuts.

“Maybe if you draw over them,” the message under Connor’s said.

So Connor did, and it was the prettiest thing he had ever drawn. It was a bunch of blue and purple flowers, and when you put your thighs together; it created a vine of flowers.

His soulmate got that tattooed on, and as far as Connor knows, that’s the only one that his soulmate has tattooed on without the help of Connor.

So Connor’s collection began to grow, and then June before his senior year; he saw scratches on his arm. He showed them to his mom, freaked out, and she said that they looked like scratches you get from hitting tree branches while falling.

“Your soulmate must’ve fallen, don’t worry your bones don’t break whenever things like that happen. Just what it looks like,” she reassured, and talking about things like this were the only times they never fought.  
/////////  
Senior year rolled around, and Connor had debated on killing himself before school. The only problem was leaving his soulmate behind with no new messages from him, but from someone else. Even if they didn’t know who the other was, he felt love for the person who wrote on their skin every day.

So, here he was sitting in Biology 2, wanting to leave. At least it was fifth hour, and his free period was the last hour of the day. He could leave earlier, and not have to deal with this hellhole until tomorrow.

It was the second week of school, and he looked over to see everyone in the class. Then his eyes landed on his huge signature on Evan’s cast. He felt terrible about pushing the boy down, and then stealing his letter. So he tried to periods, so he didn’t bother Evan, but turns out changing schedule made this arrangement happen. He felt bad about a lot of things, but he was going to pretend that he was some angst ridden teenager. 

“Class, I’m going to be dividing you all into groups. Evan, can you pass out these handouts to everyone?” Mrs. Gragg asked, and a small antsy boy ran up to get the handouts.

Connor remembered when Evan only wore short sleeved shirts to school, it was last year. This year he was wearing a jacket, and the taller boy wondered if that was going to be a theme. He liked the look of Evan in a jacket, but then again he liked the look of the other boy in general.

He found him cute, and there had been times last year where he was tempted to kiss the boy whenever he saw him in the hall. Just casual gay things that crossed his mind, but he didn’t do that out of respect for his soulmate. 

Last year was the first year Evan had been in the school district, and Connor realized that he could’ve made friends with the boy. The only problem was he was in and out of mental and rehab facilities to be friends with anyone. So, Kleinman took Evan as a friend, but Connor had overheard the two and how Jared always told Evan to tell his mom that they were hanging out so he could get some money.

That wasn’t friendship, and Connor knew it. Sure, most of his friends were people online and from the facilities he’s been to, but he’d never do something so cross. Of course, there were the times he caught Jared comforting Evan during a panic attack, so the brunette didn’t really know if it was friendship or not. Maybe Kleinman was trying to pretend he didn’t care when he actually did.

“C-Conner,” Evan stuttered out, and Connor realized that he hadn’t been paying attention. He looked up at the blonde, who looked like he was about to have a nervous breakdown. Honestly, when didn’t Hansen look like he was about to have a nervous breakdown?

“Yeah?” Connor asked, he sounded tired, and struggled to stay awake. His soulmate had been cutting again, and Connor had to help them out. It was simple reminders where the scars and cuts were to just be positive.

Sure being positive was bullshit according to Connor, but he wanted his soulmate to be happy. He loved them more than he ever thought, and they didn’t know who the other was. All he knew was that he constantly reminded his love to take their medication every day, and even if it wasn’t the best; he felt good about it. He liked having his soulmate reassure him that they were okay, or whenever they said they weren’t okay. He liked speaking to them.

“W-we were paired t-together,” Evan said, and Connor nodded. Evan sat down in the chair next to him, and quietly started to doodle in his notebook.

Connor didn’t know what to say, so he just stared at the stay strong on his wrist. Wondering if his soulmate put it on there for him, or for themselves. Maybe he should write a reminder later about how they need to remember that on if they don’t relapse in a month; they’ll meet.

“When do you want to work on this project?” Connor blurted out as he pulled his jacket sleeves over his hands. He was thinking too much about a person he’d never met before.

“Oh, I, um, I don’t really know, uh,” Evan said and Connor nodded. He related to the stuttering, he wished he could be able to do that so he could actually express his feelings of discomfort. 

“Me neither, want to get ice cream after school? Meet before we actually do our project?” Connor asked, he was being ballsy currently. He didn’t know what was possessing him, but he knew that this was the only time to ever become Evan Hansen’s friend.

“Oh, um, okay. I don’t have what people call an eighth period, but I’m not skipping if that’s what you’re thinking. I don’t skip, I mean like class! Sometimes I like skipping down sidewalks, wow is it hot in here?” Evan rambled out and Connor chuckled slightly.

“Meet me in the main office at 2:15, and we’ll get some ice cream. I just want you to be comfortable around me before we do this,” Connor said, he had a soft voice and Evan just nodded in response. The two went back to minding their own business. Connor couldn’t have been happier.  
//////////  
Evan was terrified currently. Not necessarily of Connor, but the situation. All that ran through his mind was what if Connor is going to beat you up, and then he’ll get more scars. He’ll cut again, his soulmate will be disappointed, and Evan will cry himself to sleep again. All the scars will be another sick reminder of how fucked up he is, and then his soulmate will have some weird ass tattoos because of him, like the vine one.

Actually Evan loved the vine one that his soulmate drew. It was beautiful and fit Evan very well, but he wondered if it fit his soulmate.

It probably did, because his soulmate was bound to be beautiful, because he was ugly. The universe put all the beauty in one person, so then the other one wouldn’t leave.

“Whatcha thinking about tree boy?” Jared asked, he was walking to lunch with the blonde. Evan was shaking from nerves, and everyone could see it. Jared was actually concerned, he’d never seen the kid so riled up before.

“I, um, oh my, what am I thinking about? Uh, that’s a very good question, you should become, what are those things called? Oh! A detective!” Evan said nervously and Jared rolled his eyes and didn’t ask any more questions.

He felt something on the inside of his palm, so he opened it to see a little message writing on his hands. Evan loved when this happened because his soulmate wanting to talk to him.

“Tell Evan Hansen that he’s cute.”

That’s when the blonde began to freak out. What if his soulmate knew who he was, and was trying to hint at it? Why wouldn’t they just tell him? If they think he’s cute, then just tell him that to his face. Wait, never mind, do not do that.

He wasn’t ready to meet the person who convinced him not to kill himself almost every other week. They had mentioned that they weren’t perfect either, but he was just terrified that they were going to be perfect. Who would want someone as broken as him? Like he wouldn’t want that, he was disgusting.

Evan was having a panic attack over this. It wasn’t good that he had been cutting last night, then Connor wanting to hang out, and now his soulmate knows who he is. It wasn’t a good time for him, that’s for sure. Too much was going on for anyone to be calm in this situation.

So he found his way to the bathroom, and cried in a stall. He also ate his sandwich while in there, might as well kill two birds with one stone. His thoughts kept racing, and he pulled out his pen.

“Who is Evan Hansen?” He wrote, and there was almost an instant response.

“This anxious kid, who probably needs reassurance. He reminds me of you,” the message said, and Evan felt better that his soulmate didn’t know who he was. “How are you today? I’m worried about you, baby.”

The pet name helped Evan to calm down. His soulmate loved him like he loved them, it was okay. It really wasn’t, but it was all okay.

“I’m having a panic attack in the bathroom, that’s about it, haha,” Evan wrote on his left arm. Maybe he should wash it off and pretend it never happened.

“Baby, talk to me. I promise I’m here,” a message wrote, and Evan started to sob again. He was dragging everyone down with him, how pathetic.

“I’m just overwhelmed,” Evan wrote before trying to control his breathing. There weren’t any more messages after that. His soulmate knew that Evan’s anxiety was far too extensive to say ‘be positive’ to.

The bell rang for sixth hour, and he had finally stopped crying. He still looked like a mess, but he didn’t care at that very moment. No one would mention his puffy eyes, or his messy hair. At this point, he couldn’t care in the slightest. 

He just decided to go to AP English, and deal with his crazy teacher Mrs. Oss. She wasn’t crazy, but she liked to bring squirrels to class so everyone could meet them. Okay, maybe she was crazy.

When he arrived to class, she sent him a smile and sat down in his seat. He pulled out a book he was reading, and began to indulge as he read. Every moment he read was a moment of peace to him. Reading was just like being surrounded by trees for him.

He especially loved reading books about trees, his favorites.

The class was free time to just do whatever you wanted, so Evan finished the book he was reading. Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell, and he was frustrated with the ending. How dare she end it like that? What the hell? Cath and Levi just needed to stay together forever, why did he have to fucking leave?

Evan was seething slightly, and read the last chapter again. Just making sure what he read was real, and it made him angrier the second time. His eyes flickered at the clock in the front of the room. It was a clock where you had to solve math problems to figure it out. Everyone hated it, but it was easy if you just knew the placement of a normal clock.

He had five minutes to spare, so he got on his phone and started looking up some facts on the book. He needed to see if there was going to be a sequel. All he found was Cath’s fanfic for Simon and Baz. So, he went to Booksamillion.com and ordered it. Anything pertaining to Rainbow Rowell was soon going to be in his possession.

When the bell for seventh hour rang, he remembered that he was meeting up with Connor at the end of this hour. He felt his anxiety hit him like a wave, and he hated that he was this way. Annoying Evan who can’t stop crying over anxiety all the time.

He wondered if his government teacher would let him go cry in the bathroom for the hour. Of course Evan wouldn’t actually ask that, but it sure was a tempting thought. 

Or maybe he should just read on his phone? Reading was a coping skill his therapist told him about, but he didn’t know what to read. Maybe he had another book in his bag. Or had he read the three books in his bag already.

Mr. Brown wasn’t going to teach, he’d pass out handouts over the chapter and remind them of the test they had on Friday. It essentially was the chilliest class ever, and that’s why Evan was in it. He needed his last hour to be a time to breathe. If he didn’t have that time to breathe, then his mom would pick up a sobbing kid.

He cried a lot, but usually at home alone. It felt nice to cry, so then he didn’t hurt himself. It would make his soulmate happy, and that didn’t make him cry. His therapist told him that crying wasn’t a coping mechanism that he could always use, but he really wanted to.

Shit, he hadn’t told his mom about Connor. She probably already woke up, got ready, and was going to be pissed at him. Heidi wouldn’t show it, but he knew that she’d be thinking about disowning him for being pathetic.

Evan: I’m going to get ice cream after school with my bio partner, I’ll have him drive me home. Sorry for the late notice.  
Mom: Okay! I’m proud of you for making friends! Have fun! And don’t worry, I just woke up!

Evan sighed due to his mother’s behavior. She was obsessed with him getting friends, but he was happy alone. He thought it made it easier whenever he decided to kill himself. He had already failed last June, and that crushed him.

He told his soulmate all about it, and they wrote little messages everyday about taking his medications and how he’s beautiful. He cried every day because he knew that he didn’t deserve this, but here he was with the best soulmate ever.

“Ask Murphy to take you home,” Evan wrote on his hand to remind him later. He wrote it below the message about him being cute.

“Wait, what?” The response asked, and Evan smiled at that. His soulmate’s handwriting was terrible, it was like chicken scratch.

“This kid named Connor Murphy is taking me to get ice cream,” Evan wrote, and his history teacher smiled at him. The teachers loved it when their students wrote to their soulmates.

“Is it a date?” His soulmate asked, and Evan frowned at that. Was his love getting jealous? If they are, then they better realize that he loves them.

“No, I love you. Why would I date someone else?”

“Evan, is it a date?” 

Evan was shocked at this question. How did his soulmate know who he is? He already had a breakdown at lunch, he can’t do it again. If he did it again, then he’d probably go into a state of not caring. He doesn’t stutter as much, but is still a mess.

“This is Connor btw.”

That’s when Evan lost it, he was grinding his teeth together, eyes filling up with tears. He made eye contact with Mr. Brown and then looked at the door, the teacher nodded. He let Evan go cry every time he needed to. Evan thought of the real MVP meme, but Mr. Brown was truly the real MVP.

“I’m in the bathroom by Mr. Brown,” Evan wrote before locking him in stall and freaking out. “I don’t know why I said that, shit.”

After three minutes, the bathroom door opened. Connor knew he was in there from the sobs, and Evan knew the other boy was in there due to the door.

“Evan?” Connor asked, and that made Evan choke on his tears. Nope, he couldn’t do this. Why had he even write that down? He was an idiot. Might as well kill himself in this moment.

“Hey, it’s okay. Don’t forget that I’m here,” Connor said through the stall door. He wasn’t pushing boundaries, because he knew who Evan was truly.

They both knew how hard it was for Evan to even talk, and he somehow told the brunette to come save him. He didn’t know why, but part of him felt happy that Connor showed up, but he was still freaking out.

“Why are you even here, I’m just worthless,” Evan choked out and his sobbing increased steadily.

“Evan, you’re not worthless. I’m here because you want me to be,” Connor said, there was anger in his voice.

“I’m sorry. God I’m so sorry.”

“Evan, why the fuck are you sorry?” Connor snapped, and the blonde boy wailed. He hated having multiple panic attacks in a day, he became useless.

“I’m sorry, I’ve made you mad,” Evan cried and Connor unlocked the door by draping his arm over the door and undoing the latch.

The stall opened, and there stood his supposed soulmate. Connor started taking off his jacket, to reveal a short sleeved black shirt. 

This kid must really like black. He has two layers of it on, and nail polish too, Evan thought.

That’s when Evan saw the huge tree tattoo that he made last year. He was proud of that, and found a way to remove it from his arm so he could wear short sleeved shirts again.

Evan also the small cut lines from last night on Connor’s right arm. The bare arm, for Evan mostly drew on his chest and left arm. 

“I’m not mad at you,” Connor said as he squatted to be eye level with Evan. He cupped the smaller boy’s face with one hand, and sighed sleepily.

“You just s-s-sounded mad.”

“I have anger issues, depression, anxiety, and a substance abuse problem. I think my voice is in a permeant state angry,” Connor said, he voice was still harsh, but Evan could sense some kind of sincerity. 

“T-that makes, um, that makes, you know, um, sense,” Evan mumbled, he hated talking to people. Connor pulled out a pen, and handed it to Evan.

“Write to me,” Connor said and Evan took off his jacket. His cast was fully in view, and so were the tattoos Connor had. “Wait you don’t have a tree tattoo?”

“My mom said that it was too big, so I got rid of it,” Evan wrote and it appeared on Connor’s arm.

“Wait, how?”

“My mom did it, I can’t remember how.”

Connor went silent, he was staring at the floor. Evan was staring at his hands. Wow this was awkward, and it was because Evan is annoying.

The blonde wanted to strangle himself, was that possible? Could you actually kill yourself by choking yourself? That would actually be really interesting. He was totally going to look that up later, maybe use it in his next panic attack.

“What’s your favorite kind of ice cream?” Connor asked, and Evan’s head jerked up to look at the brunette in front of him,” I like peanut butter ice cream.”

“W-well, I, um, I really like, that one ice cream, you know the one. It tastes really good, you know, um, birthday cake,” Evan managed to get out, and Connor’s perpetual frown softened sort of.

“You don’t have to force yourself to talk if you don’t want to,” Connor snapped slightly, but groaned at the harshness of his voice. He hated being like this. “I didn’t mean for that be so aggressive.”

Evan shook his head, and his crying was beginning to stop. Connor knew this side of Evan already, the anxious and depressed side. It was easy to see whenever he was trying to breathe, and when he was forcing himself.

“School is almost out, want to leave?” Connor asked, he managed to make his voice sound casual and not like he wants to the other boy to die.

Evan nodded, before getting up and grabbing his backpack. Connor turned to look at him, and wiped the remaining tears away. His gaze was soft, but everything about him was harsh and aggressive.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while,” Connor said, and Evan knew he meant whenever the blonde started cutting last year. Connor would write to him, telling him to wipe away the tears, and pretend it was him. He just wanted the boy to feel loved.

Evan then followed Connor to the boy’s jeep. It was a black jeep, and Evan almost laughed at how much this kid liked the color black. He knew it was the brunette saying that he was depressed, but Evan didn’t even think black meant depression.

“What kind of music do you like to listen to?” Connor asked and Evan looked at him embarrassed. Connor was going to hate his music choice, and then hate Evan.

“I like, uh, classical, and, uh, you know, Owl City,” Evan said, looking at the floor and Connor chuckled slightly.

“God we’re opposites, but at least we know we’re meant for each other. I do like classical though, I really love Grainger. I’m going to play some of his music,” Connor rambled as he opened Apple Music and started playing a random playlist.

They drove to the ice cream place, just letting the alto saxophone fill the car. Evan felt himself relaxing slightly, this felt nice. Just two dudes chilling, nothing gay going on. Everything was chill, chillness is great.

In reality, Evan was just repeating the word chill over and over, but it wasn’t working that well. Suddenly they were at A La Mode, and Connor looked over at the blonde.

“I’m going to go get us ice cream, you said you liked birthday cake. I’ll get you two scoops in a cup, so you don’t have to worry about it melting all over you,” Connor said and Evan looked at him questioning,” no you don’t have to come in.”

Once Connor left the car, Evan let the entire situation hit him. He remembered the gay flag that Connor tattooed on his hip. Evan had wanted to get the bisexual flag and transgender flag, but he was afraid that this soulmate would hate him.

Evan started to control his breathing, he didn’t want to think about being transgender. He didn’t want to think about that, it wasn’t what he wanted to do right now.

He had been fortunate that his insurance paid for his top surgery when he was 16. He was home schooled for a while, and then last year he transferred over to this school district. It hadn’t costed much to do the online schooling, so Heidi took it in a heartbeat.

Connor opened the door, and handed Evan his ice cream. The brunette had thrown his hair up in a bun, it was too hot to be wearing a jacket. So Connor had gone out with all his arm tattoos showing.

“What’s wrong?” Connor asked, Evan could hear the strain in voice from trying not to snap. It wasn’t like he was angry, but he was used to putting off teenage angst all the time.

“Nothing, it’s all okay, no worries!” Evan exclaimed and Connor looked at the blonde concerned, but let it slide by. He started the car and started driving to some field.

Evan thought the orchard was beautiful, and loved all the flowers and trees. The trees were so beautiful, and then he realized that this was over by the place he had jumped out of the tree.

“I thought you’d like this place since I have so many tree tattoos on me,” Connor joked and Evan smiled at the brunette, clearly happy about the considerate thought.

Connor was nervous about this, because clearly Evan had thoughts about the other boy from the rumors around school. He noticed the other boy’s anxiety rising throughout this little get together, and felt bad that his soulmate was uncomfortable around him.

Of course he felt uncomfortable around himself as well, so he couldn’t really blame the blonde boy. Evan seemed to be shimmering now, but that was due to all the trees and flowers.

“I want to show you this huge Oak tree, it’s on the top of the hill over there. We can eat our ice cream together,” Connor said, and Evan nodded. 

Once they arrived to their destination, Evan plopped down at the base of the tree. He leaned his head against the wood, and sighed happily. Connor smiled at the sight. The person he had been talking to for almost two years seemed so happy and content.

The brunette slowly sat next to the other boy, and Evan looked over at him. His smile was still shining vibrantly, and he looked like he was about to cry.

“Thank you,” Evan said, the first time all day he hadn’t stuttered or rambled on. Connor was taken aback at the comment. He didn’t know why the blonde would say that.

“For what?”

Evan leaned his head on Connor’s shoulder. He didn’t care anymore about anything anymore. His anxiety was just melting away.

“For always being there for me. You know, with the cutting and suicide attempts,” Evan said and Connor looked at him with tear filled eyes.

“I tried to kill myself twice before I turned 16, and ended up in mental facilities. I never hated it there, it was actually nice to be surrounded by people who actually care about you. So I vowed that once I turned 16, I’d stop hurting myself to save you,” Connor said, and Evan started to cry.

Connor then lifted his sleeve on his right arm, and there were scars where the stay strong was located. Scars from when he was 15, and so alone. Every day was another day of trying to survive in a world of hate.

“I’m glad that the soulmate thing only happened when both parties turn 16. I just don’t like that you both have to be 17 before you can start writing names,” Evan said, and Connor nodded.

Silence fell over the scene, and they ate their ice cream in peace. Everything felt perfect for once, and Connor loved this moment.

“Do you care that I’m a boy?” Connor asked, and Evan looked up from his ice cream to Connor. He had some ice cream on his face, but the brunette wasn’t going to mention it.

“I’m bisexual, so I was ready for anything. Do you care?” Evan asked, and Connor laughed slightly. He raised his shirt so Evan could see the rainbow hearts tattooed on his hip.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” He hadn’t actually, he was just making sure that Connor actually liked him. It was reflex to reassure himself that people could actually like him, though it was unlikely. 

Connor chuckled before closing his eyes and just taking a moment to take in the view. Evan sighed before laying in the grass. The sky was so blue, and somehow gave him courage.

“Would you care if I was a transboy?” Evan asked, and Connor looked over at the boy. There was curiosity in his eyes, it shone brightly.

“Why would I care? You’re a boy if you say you’re a boy,” Connor said with a shrug, and Evan smiled at him. It hadn’t been like the other smiles, but one with all his teeth showing.

“I was just terrified. I moved school districts when I started transitioning, and then moved back whenever I got top surgery and hormones, and no one knew who I was. I was amazed that no one spoke to me, and I liked it because then I didn’t have the chance for anyone to ask questions about who I used to be. You know? It was nice to start over fresh,” Evan rambled, he was staring at the sky blissfully. 

“Wait, you used to go to school with us?” Connor asked, and Evan nodded. He grabbed his phone, and went to look for a photo of seventh grade him. He handed the brunette the phone, and Connor remembered the kid instantly.

Taylor Hansen, the prettiest girl in seventh grade who left half way through the year. She had waist length blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and a dazzling smile. Connor was in platonic love with her because she loved baseball, and told dirty jokes.

Larry was obsessed with baseball, and back then, Connor had been too. Of course it was so he could try to be friends with the girl who knew everything about baseball.

“I was hideous back then, but I mean I’m hideous now too,” Evan said as he took his phone back, he chuckled slightly as if he wasn’t self-deprecating himself.

“You’ve never been hideous,” Connor stated, and the blonde laughed at the comment. Evan disagreed way too much with that statement.

“I hated myself even more back then, than I hate myself now. I felt dirty due to having to dress like that every day when all I wanted to do was wear a t-shirt and some jeans. My mom wanted me to be happy, but didn’t know how to accomplish that. At 13 years old, I tried to kill myself only for my mom to find me. That put me in a facility for two months,” Evan rambled.

Connor could see the anger in the other’s eyes. He wondered if he ever looked like that, and how people could stand to be around him if he grumbled constantly and lashed out. Evan seemed to be pissed off at Connor’s comment though.

“Do you understand how much it sucks to look in a mirror and just feel disgusted at who you’re looking at? That you’re looking at the girl everyone likes instead of the tree loving boy who wants to play baseball? I was hideous, and I still am,” Evan snapped, and he had tears running down his face.

Connor moved over the other boy, and started to play with his hair. Evan had mentioned that whenever they met, Connor had to play with his hair. It calmed the shorter boy down, but no one ever did it to him.

“You’re a beautiful boy, Evan,” Connor said softly and the blonde started to cry harder. He cried a lot, and man in this moment it was truly needed. “You’re beautiful no matter who you are, because you are you. That’s all that matters.”  
//////  
The drive to Evan’s house was filled with Owl City playing. The two didn’t feel a need to talk, because the orchard had been their place to speak and just be in each other’s presence. Connor parked in the driveway, and Evan just sat there in the jeep.

His mom wasn’t home, and he didn’t want to be alone. He hated being alone, it’s when he overthought and ended up hurting himself.

“Do you want to stay over?” Evan asked, and then his face started going red from how that sounded. Connor was smirking in the driver’s seat from the short boy’s mess up. “I don’t mean, you know, when two people, do that thing, and suddenly there’s HIV or kids from it.”

“It’s okay, Evan, I knew what you meant. Is your mom not here?” Connor asked and Evan nodded, not looking up at the brunette.

“I-I just don’t, um, don’t want, t-to be alone,” Evan stuttered out, blushing vibrantly and Connor smiled at him fondly. God, Connor was right about his soulmate being beautiful.

“I’ll stay, it’s 5 right now, right?” Connor asked and the blushing boy nodded. He got so embarrassed easily, but the brunette was fine with it. “I can spend the night, if you want. I just have to run by my house really fast to get clothes.”

“C-can I go with you?” Evan asked, looking at his hands, and Connor made a noise confirming that it was okay for the boy to come over. 

“Warning, my family hates me. So they may make rude comments,” Connor warned, his voice had no emotion in it. That didn’t mean he didn’t care, it meant that he care so much that he had to pretend he didn’t care.

The five minute car ride was silent. Fireflies – Owl City played and Evan was dancing slightly. He was enjoying the music and himself. People made jokes about the band, but he really loved them for their techno sounding music.

Connor tapped his fingers to the beat of the song, he enjoyed the song. He related to all the memes of the song, and assumed Evan did as well. It was cute watching the other boy dance in his seat and mouth the words with a smile plastered on his face.

Pulling up into the driveway was the first experience, because his mom was getting home at the same time that he was. He really didn’t want to see her, because he was terrified of Evan seeing him lash out. It seemed deceitful, but Connor didn’t want to be the way he was. He wanted to be someone that knew how to love others, and not hurt people.

“Connor, how was school?” His mom asked happily. She then saw Evan behind him, and a smile grew on her face. “Also, who is your friend here?”

“My day was okay, and this is Evan Hansen, my soulmate,” Connor said and Cynthia smiled so wide. She stepped over to Evan and hugged him.

Evan was taken aback, but wrapped his arms around the women as well. She was squeezing him tightly, and sighed as she pulled away.

“Evan, it’s so nice to finally meet you. If I can say, you’re an amazing artist,” she said, referring to all the tattoos Connor had.

“Oh, um, t-thank you Mrs. Murphy. I mean, like, I’m not t-that great! I’m not trying to b-be, uh, rude, I just, uh, you know, um, don’t have, s-self c-confidence,” Evan managed to get out. She laughed slightly before placing a hand on the boy’s shoulder.

“It’s okay, Evan. Are you staying over?” She asked and Connor suddenly came into the conversation.

“No, I’m staying at his house because his mom is coming home late,” Connor said, there was anger in his voice and he was mad at himself for getting annoyed. It was just he wanted to keep Evan to himself before introducing his family to him.

“Oh okay, just make sure to sleep in separate rooms.”

Evan was a blushing mess at that comment. He looked like he could have a fever from how red his cheeks were and his face paling out. Cynthia was already in the house when the two boys finally got off the initial shock of what she said.

“I p-p-promise, I-I’m not like, you know, like t-that. I-I-I-I just w-w-wanted to c-cuddle or t-t-talk,” Evan stammered and Connor looked at his soulmate with annoyed eyes.

He was pissed at his mom now for making the blonde so uncomfortable. He was trying to take deep breaths, and grabbed Evan’s wrist as he dragged him into the house. Connor gave no time for any admiring of the house, which Evan really wanted to do.

“Ow,” Evan said and Connor realized that he was strangling his wrist. He dropped it, and looked at Evan terrified. Of course he was going to hurt Evan, he hurt everyone.

“Maybe, I shouldn’t come over? I can just take you home?” Connor asked anxiously, he could feel himself breaking down. He hurt his soulmate, the one thing he didn’t want to do ever.

“Oh, I mean, if you want,” Evan said sadly, his eyes prickling with tears. Of course Connor didn’t want to spend time with him. Evan was pathetic anyways, who wants to hang out with a pathetic piece of shit? Jared didn’t unless he was getting paid, so Connor probably felt the same.

Connor stared at Evan, lost for words. They were so close to his room, but he could feel Zoe staring at them from the crack in her door. She was always watching, waiting for him to mess up. She’d tell their parents, and they’d hate him for another reason other than him being alive.

“W-we should p-probably go,” Evan mumbled and Connor pulled them into his room. He sat the two of them on the dark gray comforter. Taking his wrist, examining what kind of damage he did to the fragile boy.

Evan’s wrist had a red hand print from Connor, the brunette wanted to scream. It hurt to touch his wrist, for both of them. Whenever your soulmate inflicted harm on you, it hurt both parties. It was meant as a mechanism to stop domestic abuse.

“I’m fine, really,” Evan said, his voice was high pitched. Connor obviously knew he was lying, and kept looking at it. It looked like it would heal in an hour, but he still felt terrible.

“I’m sorry,” Connor whispered, he was afraid of Evan’s reaction to the entire thing. His blue eyes met Evan’s, and there wasn’t anger in his eyes.

“It’s fine, we all do things we don’t mean to,” Evan said reassuringly. His voice was soft and calming to Connor.

“I just, you don’t want someone who just hurt you to come over,” Connor said, his voice cracked. All of this had been too much for him. From finding out his soulmate to this very moment.

“Connor, I promise that I want you to come over. I want to be friends,” Evan said and that punctured Connor’s heart. Just friends, not even anything more. Who could blame the blonde?

“Are you sure?” Connor asked and a hand went to brush through the brunette’s hair. It was softly tugging through tangles, and it grounded the brunette.

“Of course, we’re going to be together forever. You’re my soulmate, and the least I can do is stay here for you like you stayed here for me,” Evan said before his head fell onto Connor’s shoulder, his hand still running through the other boy’s hair.

Connor felt himself crying, the tears streamed down his cheeks, and he never knew that he could feel at home in his actual house. But here he was, feeling like he was somewhere so familiar and welcoming in a place he hadn’t felt that before.

“I love you,” Connor cried and Evan kissed Connor’s shoulder.

“I love you more,” the blonde whispered. His breath was warm on the brunette’s shoulder. Connor pulled the two up the bed, and placed his head in the crook of Evan’s neck.

Evan continued to play with his hair while humming an Owl City sing. It was lulling Connor to sleep, being this relaxed was so nice. Why hadn’t anyone told him about being with the person he loved before?

“Wanna just stay over here?” Connor sleepily asked, and he felt Evan nod. The blonde was being lulled to sleep, and the two just loved the feeling of being with one another. “Good night.”

“Good night, love,” Evan’s soft voice was the last thing Connor heard before falling asleep. He could feel and hear Evan’s sporadic heartbeat, and found it as yet another thing to ground him from overthinking.

People would say that it was weird that the two already loved each other, but they had been through so much with the other. His mother had once told him that it was strange for them to be so lovey with each other when they didn’t even know the other’s name.

Connor determined that it meant that they were compatible and actually soulmates, even if the universe had already told them. Sometimes the universe was wrong, but it wasn’t wrong this time.


End file.
